Not much to LOL about...

Game 5: Sharks 2, Red Wings 1.

This is why I didn't create LOLs for Game 4, in spite of the fact that it was a delightful 7-1 blowout. It was such a slender hope. If you read sports blogs at all and Red Wing blogs in particular, you've probably seen a lot of contradictory statements over the last little while. We've all been a bit torn between hope and odds the last few days. Jamie Samuelsen of the Detroit Free Press had a representative sample on Friday:

Everyone knows that only two teams in NHL history have come back from 3-0 deficits. That doesn’t mean that the losing teams haven’t won a game or two or three along the way. That means that it’s nearly impossible to win four.

But give the Wings credit. It’s human nature to calculate the odds and respond accordingly. It’s not quitting. It’s simply realizing -- perhaps subconsciously -- that you’re just not going to come back. The Wings didn’t succumb to that in Game 4, and now things are a little more interesting. If they can somehow win Game 5, and doubt starts creeping into the Sharks' dressing room, things will get awfully interesting.

The talk at work-- with the few other hockey fans I've managed to find in my Toledo exile-- was much the same. "It's going to be so hard... but maybe..."

In the end, the hope was just a lovely dream we all shared for a few days. The San Jose Sharks are not the choky team we've seen in the past. They may not have completely made the transition from regular season success to postseason success, but they're well on their way. (Long-term followers of hockey might be reminded of the Red Wings circa 1995 or so.)

So, not much to LOL about in Hockeytown this morning.

That said, I do see a lot to be hopeful about going into next season.

Aside from having experienced elite players like Pavel Datsyuk, Henrik Zetterberg, Valtteri Filppula, and Johan Franzen, and aside from Jiri Hudler coming back from the Russian KHL with his ability to score timely goals, the Red Wings have acquired a small cluster of gritty young checking forwards who stepped up to help cover for the season-long injury bug and keep Detroit in the playoff hunt. Darren Helm, Patrick Eaves, and Drew Miller will be all the stronger for the experience they got this year. Over the course of the season, their penalty-killing became visibly better. Justin Abdelkader is the sort of guy who provides instant energy whenever he's on the ice, and I look for him to prove himself invaluable next season.

And then there's Jimmy Howard. I can't say enough about how wrong I was about the guy at the beginning of the season. I thought there was no way he was ready for the NHL, and ranted about how we needed to trade him immediately if not sooner, and then he goes and proves me wrong with a Calder-quality season and a not-bad showing in his first playoff run.

There are still some lingering questions for the team, the biggest one being whether or not Nick Lidstrom will retire. His contract is up, and he's said he wants to take a few weeks to make his decision. His teammates are planning to work on keeping him around for another year. "I’m going to work him tonight, talk some sense into him," said Johan Franzen. And who can out-stubborn The Mule?

My gut feeling is that Lidstrom won't retire this year. I think he would have for sure if they had won the Cup, but since they didn't I can't imagine he wouldn't want one more go at it, with a healthy team and the rookies settled into their roles. Besides which, the way he's played, particularly in the Sharks series, shows he still has a fire and still has the ability to play at a high level. Maybe this is actually wishful thinking on my part, but I think Nick will know when it is time to hang up the skates, and this is not his time.

One question about next year has been answered already. Team owner Mike Illitch has said that they are in negotiations with the city of Detroit to lease Joe Louis Arena for one more season. I'm really glad about this. The location is ideally centered for the greatest number of fans, it's easy to get to from all the freeways, and it's so nice by the river on a mild day. I know it's a hole and it's crumbling and the floors are permanently sticky and the bathrooms are permanently kind of gross, but it's our hole!

So, like I said, not much to LOL about today, but plenty of hope for the future.

October, after all, is not that far away.

Western Conference Quarterfinals, Games 5 & 7

Sometimes, the schedule is just too tight for each game to have its own entry. This is one of those times. But look how nicely games 5 and 7 blend together!

Photos courtesy of the Detroit Free Press and Detroit News.



















Now... onto the semifinals! Bring on the Sharks!

Western Conference Quarterfinals, Game 4

Because the less said about Game 3, the better.

So let's have some Game 4 LOLs! Not many this time, but I have to pace myself, after all. As the announcers remind us, it's a marathon, not a sprint. Photos courtesy of the Detroit News and Detroit Free Press.

NHLOL: The Return!

Western Conference Quarterfinals, Game 2: Detroit 7, Phoenix 4.

I love this time of year SO MUCH.

Photos courtesy of the Detroit Free Press and Detroit News. Special thanks to Shane Doan for having possibly the funniest-looking post-goal face I have ever seen, and apologies to Edward Munch.

The Five People You'll Meet At Hockey Games

As of this writing, the Red Wings have locked up a playoff spot. They could finish anywhere from 5th to 8th place-- and none of these are really to be preferred to the others in the first round, since none of their potential opponents are more or less threatening than the others. They've all got dangers and advantages that work out pretty evenly. The Western Conference is even tighter than usual this year. Battle is imminent.

The Wings have two regular season games remaining-- Columbus tonight and Chicago on Sunday. Columbus is not a playoff team this year and have nothing to play for tonight except pride and giving their fans a good send-off for the summer. (Neither of which should be underestimated, but I don't expect a compelling game out of it.) Chicago is a playoff team and could in fact be Detroit's first round opponent. That would mean as many as eight straight games against the Blackhawks-- groan. Nothing against the 'Hawks in particular, but that's an awful lot of games against the same guys right in a row. I expect they'll go somewhat easy on each other on Sunday. Everyone's going to be trying to avoid injury, plus they may well be trying to maneuver their spots in the standings so as NOT to play each other in Round One.

So what's a fan to do while counting down the days until the playoffs, aka The Real Season, when I can bring you a new collection of LOLHockeys? Let's poke gentle fun at the fans instead! I bring you, "The Five People You'll Meet At Hockey Games." (With no apologies to Mitch Albom for ripping off his title, because it falls under free use/parody/satire. Neener.)

1. Captain Obvious: This is a subset of the Armchair Coach. A regular Armchair Coach will sit at home or up in the stands and tell the team what they should do (or alternatively, tell their buddies later what the team should have done). Captain Obvious isn't quite so smart. Rather than saying something the team could have done which might have made an actual difference, such as, "If they wanted to score quickly they should have put Datsyuk and Zetterberg on the same line," as Armchair Coaches might, Captain Obvious will say something more, well, obvious. Things like, "Shoot it!" to a guy who is already in the act of shooting the puck.

Real life example: "Man, they're down by one and there's only a minute left! They gotta score fast if they want to go to overtime!" Srsly? Thank you for that insightful commentary. Without it I might never have known that you have to tie the game before the end of regulation in order to go to overtime.

2. Captain Oblivious: This, like Captain Obvious, is a subset of the Armchair Coach. Captain Oblivious, however, will tell the players to do something which is impossible according to the laws of physics, such as saying, "Shoot it!" to a guy who is deep in his own zone, protecting the puck from three opponents as he helps kill off a 5-on-3 penalty. It kind of makes you wonder what game this person is actually watching, because their verbal diarrhea has nothing whatsoever to do with what's happening on the ice. I totally understand if they haven't caught on to the nuances of the game yet-- we were all there at one point-- but couldn't they at least pay attention to the physical properties of what they're seeing?

Real life example: "Hey, what happened?" Um, they just scored. That's why the red light is on, the goal horn is blowing, and everyone is standing up cheering.
I have a football example, too. There's this elderly woman who attends University of Toledo football games. She yells loudly and obnoxiously on every play--things like, "We need a sack!" and "Defense! Where are you?!?" when Toledo has the ball. She wears Toledo colors, but she so consistently yells against what the Rockets are trying to do that I think she may secretly be a Bowling Green Falcons fan. Anyway, suffice it to say that Captain Oblivious is not solely a hockey phenomenon.

3. The Drunk: Joe Louis Arena has a wide selection of alcoholic beverages available for purchase. Beer, mixed drinks, wine-- if you can drink it, you can buy it, pretty much. However, it's not exactly cheap! A beer costs $8.00 (or was it $7.50? Not a beer drinker here.), and mixed drinks cost more. Typically, someone will buy one or maybe two drinks for the game. However, there's always some people who manage to get completely shit-faced. Are they bringing in hidden flasks? Are they total lightweights? Or are they really paying that much to get that drunk? And how do they get back down the (steep, uneven) arena stairs after the game? It boggles, it does.

Real life example: It was apparently a group of guys celebrating their buddy's 21st birthday party. What none of them knew was that large amounts of beer would give the birthday boy gas. Really nasty gas. The guy next to me said he was surprised the stench didn't crack the ice, and I don't envy the drunk dude's friends who had to try to get his stinky self back down to ground level without falling down the stairs.

4. The Old-Timer: This is the guy (I have yet to encounter a female specimen, though they probably do exist) who complains that today's players are wusses, visors and helmets have ruined the game, and European players are all figure skaters. I could list example after example of European players demonstrating toughness, but I won't. I WILL, however, point out that the guys complaining are AT THE GAME. They PAID MONEY to get in. Why bother if they hate the modern game so much? They're like Statler and Waldorf, with none of the awesome.
"Why do we always come here?
I guess we'll never know.
It's like a kind of torture
To have to watch the show."

Real life example: Don Cherry. Enough said. (In fairness, even he seems to be backing off on the anti-European stuff, and he did push very vocally for the NHL to enact its new ban on deliberate hits to the head.)

5. The Business Opportunist: Some companies own season tickets in the lower bowl or rent out suites for occasional games. Sometimes the tickets are given as rewards to employees (and these are usually indistinguishable from regular game-goers), but other times they're used to impress potential clients or partners. Hey, they paid for the tickets, so they can bring whomever they want to the game, but it seems odd to see people in suits trying to maintain their dignity when they're surrounded by the sea of screaming fans in red and white. And who can conduct business in such a loud place anyway?

Real life example: The company my ex-husband was working for, way back in 2003, was being wooed by some vendor who bought a suite for a game. Employees and spouses/significant others were invited along. Blatant but legal bribery? Yep. Were we going to turn down the chance to see the game from a luxury suite? Hell, no. Plus, while the executive types were schmoozing, the rest of us got to witness Brett Hull score his 700th career goal. It was a classic Brett Hull one-timer off a perfect set up pass from Pavel Datsyuk, and Evgeni Nabokov of the San Jose Sharks never had a chance to stop it. And IT WAS AWESOME.

The Epic Saga of TiVo Woe

When my ex and I divorced, he got custody of the TiVo. This was right and proper, as it had been his idea to get it and he had paid for it. I missed having one, but not enough to get one of my own... until recently.

So began my so-far futile attempts at TiVo ownership.

The best way to get a TiVo, in my opinion, is to get a slightly used one with a lifetime subscription attached. The membership stays with the TiVo unit, not the purchaser, so if someone has recently decided to upgrade to a newer version, a buyer can catch a good deal. If you get one without a subscription, you have to either pay a recurring subscription fee or buy your own lifetime subscription. Thus to eBay did I go. I found what I thought was a good deal-- a series 2 TiVo with lifetime subscription. So a little old, but fine for my purposes. It arrived quickly and safely, and I discovered that... I needed a cable.

Once I got the cable, I discovered that... I needed a wireless USB adaptor.

Once I got the wireless USB adaptor, I discovered that... the TiVo actually did NOT have a lifetime subscription.

NOOOOOOOO!

I contacted the seller and requested to return the TiVo for a refund, in spite of the stated no-returns policy. After all, he hadn't described the item accurately. He was outraged (at TiVo, not me), because he had paid for a lifetime subscription. I sent it back post-haste (he paid return shipping), and waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Finally, after several emails of the "Hey, where's my replacement and/or refund" variety, the guy plopped my money back into my Paypal account.

So I found another auction. This one was for a series 1, but it had a much larger hard drive and supposedly a lifetime membership. I bought it.

I learned something new when it arrived.

See, Series 1 TiVos don't have USB. They only have phone modems.

We don't have a landline phone. We use our cell phones for everything.

And TiVo modems, it seems, do not cooperate with Magic Jack.

NOOOOOOOOO!

So now I'm stuck with this TiVo which is utterly useless to me. After stubbing my toes on it a few times while it sat on my living room floor mocking me with its uselessness, I decided to try to resell it. Undoubtedly it would be at a loss, because I can't confirm whether or not it has a lifetime subscription, but at least I could make something back, right?

I placed an ad on Craigslist.

I received four responses.

Two of them asked if it was still available, and then never responded again when I emailed back to tell them it was.

One of them asked if it was still available, and then had the audacity to place my email address on a spam list when I emailed back to tell him it was still available.

The fourth one was a scammer-- that sort of scammer who uses a phony bank check or money order to pay--never mind that I had specified cash-only from the beginning. Here's his email:

Hello,
I really appreciate your response to my email.I want you to consider it sold, pls do withdraw the advert from craigslist to avoid disturbance.I want you to know that i will be paying via bank certified check or money order .I will like you to provide me with the following,information to facilitate the mailing of the payment to you ...Full name to write on the payment instrument 2.....Full Physical address to post the payment 3.....City, State and Zip Code. 4..... Cell Phone to contact you

*** Note that the payment will be shiped to your address via Courier NEXT DAY SERVICE and I will like you to know that you will not be responsible for shipping i will have my mover come over as soon as you have cashed the payment**

Yeah, sure, dude. I'm a snopester, dammit! I know all about people like you!

I did take Mr. Scammer's advice (granted, "he" may really be a "she," but the undoubtedly false name the person used was John Wortford) to pull the ad down from Craigslist, however. I've got it up on eBay now. At least over there I have Paypal to protect me from scammers! I figure that if I specify that I wasn't able to verify whether or not it has a lifetime subscription, I'm an honest seller and therefore protected.

Besides which, putting "Probable Lifetime Subscription" in the title might attract some curiosity, which will lead to more views, and thus more potential buyers! Because let's face it, it's probably not too common for a reseller of TiVos to actually admit that they don't know whether the unit has a subscription or not.

As for my own TiVo needs, I have another series 2 unit on its way--one that was cheap because it specifically does not have a subscription attached. This time I'm buying the subscription myself. I'm taking my TiVo destiny into my own hands and pulling myself up by my own TiVo bootstraps!

Stanley Cup Finals, Game 5

And here we go with Game 5. Best game yet!

Photos from the Detroit News and Detroit Free Press, captioning technology via the ICHC LOLbuilder. The LOL regarding Evgeni Malkin's ongoing quest for pie was made by special guest LOLer Casey!

Stanley Cup Finals, Game 2

Ohai! Sorry it's taken so long to post these ones. I was still too excited the day after the game (because I WAS THERE!!!!!) and then Games 3 and 4 happened, and, well, you know. But now we can all haz LOLs.

Photos courtesy of the Detroit Free Press and Detroit News, with a nice shoutout to ICHC.

Stanley Cup Finals, Game 1

Yay!

Photos from the Detroit Free Press and Detroit News. Technical assist from ICHC.

Western Conference Speed Finals!

Ohai! Gary Bettman's harebrained idea to start the Cup Finals almost on the heels of the Conference Finals has left me almost no time to make LOLs for Round 3. So here, moments before puck drop of Game 1 vs. Pittsburgh, I give you The Western Conference Finals in Twelve LOLs or Less! Photos from the Detroit News and Detroit Free Press.

Game 1:







Game 2:







Game 4:







Game 5:







There, done with time to spare! And for the first time, I'm grateful for the long playoff pre-games!

Round 2 Game 7

Ohai! Iz almost time 4 confrens finalz, so ai sho u how we got heer!

Photos from the Detroit News and Detroit Free Press, captions from the ICHC Lolbuilder and me.