To the past....

On Thursday morning, my final divorce hearing will take place. I’m nervous. I keep thinking of things that could go wrong. “What if I didn’t fill out the papers right and the judge makes us wait longer? What if there’s bad traffic and I’m late? What if the judge is just in a really bad mood?” (Because presiding over divorce cases can’t be good for a person’s long-term mental health!)

Most of the time, I manage a semblance of calm. I will be very glad and relieved to have this done and over with.

I’ve been kind of surprised at some of the very strange things people have said to me when they found out I was going through a divorce. One woman started a long lecture about how she could have told me the marriage would never have worked because I’m a Taurus and he’s a Cancer and that just never works out. Another person asked, “What happened? Were you shopping too much or not cooking enough?” Strangest of all was the one who said, “Ah, don’t worry about it. The first marriage is just for practice anyway.” I’m pretty sure they were all trying to be helpful, but help like that I need like I need an extra hole in the head!

The best advice I've gotten yet came from a lady at my church. She's not a whole lot older than I am, though old enough to have a 13-year-old-son, and she told me, "You feel whatever you need to feel. Don't let anyone ever tell you that what you're feeling is wrong."

Finally, someone who can understand how mixed I sometimes feel about this!

The STBX and I have split everything up ourselves. Things should be very simple on Thursday, I'll be glad to have it over, and yet I'm still nervous and sad.

I know I’ve found a wonderful friend who has helped me through so much of this pain, and that this friend will be much more than a friend to me as time goes on.

I know that I should have never gotten married in the first place.

I know that I have very clear memories of being afraid of my husband’s anger.

I know that I was discontent with the marriage from the beginning.

All this I know, and I believe in my heart that we will both be better off separately than we ever could have been together.

Yet I also remember other things—he took my guinea pig to the emergency vet for a wheezing cold and didn’t flinch at the bill. He sat and played video games with my baby brother for hours. He would bring me food or take me to dinner every time I said I didn’t want to cook. There was care given, and something which was once love before it became confused duty, but in the end love alone can not sustain a marriage. There was no room for either of us to grow, and so we grew apart.

One other thing I know: I know that by not knowing my own mind and heart a year and a half ago, I have caused pain. And I know that for this, I am sorry.

So here’s to the past. May we learn from it, and may the future be better for both of us.