Monday, November 14, 2005

Confusion, fear, and longing

This weekend, Tirithien and I went on a short road trip. To Dayton. Ah, beautiful Dayton. :-P

The reason we went, of course, is that Dayton (actually Fairborn, one of the Dayton suburbs) is the location of Wright State University, where Tirithien had a very favorable med school interview a few weeks ago. It’s his top choice school right now, so he wanted me to see the campus and the city and all. I had Friday off from work for Veteran’s Day, so I figured, why not?

The campus was lovely. Quite a lot bigger than the school I attended, but then, most colleges are. Dayton is just far enough south that it’s starting to get into the Appalachian foothills, and it actually does seem like a nice enough place.

Now, the thing is, I’ve been wanting to go to grad school for quite some time. Really, I’ve been trying to arrange it ever since I finished my undergrad degree. The trick has been deciding what sort of degree I really want.

English. I want an English degree. I want a Master of Arts in English. And maybe one in History for good measure.

Am I brave enough to do such a thing? If I were being sensible, I would get an MBA or a degree in some sort of administration or in social work or something like that. Maybe teaching, maybe health care, but something to increase my employability.

The problem I’ve found with trying to do this is the sheer vagueness of it. Maybe this, maybe that, maybe whatever. None of it jumps out at me, none of it possesses me and seizes my heart as The Thing I should be doing.

English? History? Every bit of it. Bring it on.

Wright State happens to have an English program which has an emphasis in creative writing. Most schools’ Master level English programs are literature only, or linguistics if one is lucky. I can picture myself in my most secret dreams, 3 or 4 years from now, graduating with a double MA in English and History. Just think of the background this would give me for the stories that want to be told!

But... Wright State is 3 hours away from home. Can I even contemplate such a thing, such a leap of faith? I’d have to leave everything I know—my secure (but unfulfilling) job, my home, my family, taking this chance that may or may not ever pay off for me. An advanced degree is certainly no guarantee of becoming published!

But… I want to go. I want to learn. God, for the first time in years, I truly want something for myself, something that actually shines brightly enough for me to recognize it.

I’m afraid of going and taking that chance. I’m afraid of staying home and missing that chance.

And so my heart whispers to me to look southward to the bright hills.

5 comments:

Tirithien said...

Follow your heart, and just do it. :-)

Naneth said...

Do not be afraid. Do not waste your life doing things that leave you unfulfilled. Do not be a person that says, "I never tried."

Take that leap of faith. You will be SO glad you did. :)

I have faith that you will land on your feet.

clew said...

I agree. Meditate on it and do that which your heart tells you. I firmly believe it (meaning you) will make the right choice.

:) XOXOXO

Anonymous Assclown said...

Go Flyers.

martie said...

I agree with tirithien, follow your heart! If it is something you want for "you" and you don't do it you will someday say that "if only I had". I am a 59 year old woman and offer this advise from experience. Just "GO FOR IT"! You know you can.....follow your dreams, girl!