Thursday, February 09, 2006

Hole in the Wall

She lay desperately awake most nights, alone while he was in the other room. The siren call of the computer was too much for him to resist.

This night was even worse. This night she was not just lonely, but afraid. Not just resentful, but infuriated. More with herself than with him.

They had fought after dinner, of course. It was more unusual for things to stay calm than for there to be a fight, those days. But this fight had been worse.

She had lain alone so many nights. He’d often refuse to go to bed until she was getting up for work. She needed his love desperately, and had no idea how to get it. She had tried all the ways she knew, and didn’t know how to ask him what he needed. And when she tried to ask, he didn't know how to tell her.

The fight had been over buying the house. He had started gesticulating wildly, and she had made an obnoxious comment about him looking like William Shatner. She had been angry, but had also been trying to switch the mood before things got too dark again. It was a bad idea.

He hurled the cordless phone at the wall and stomped out. It left a big gouge.

She sat alone staring at the hole, afraid. Rapidly she ran through options in her head. Was there anywhere else she could go? Anything she could do on her own?

But mostly she stared at the hole in the wall. Tried to distract herself by going on instant messenger to talk to a friend. The friend tried to help, but there was a hole in the wall.

She went to bed so she wouldn’t have to look at the hole.

He finally came home, late, and tried to cuddle her and make things up to her. The touch and hugs she had longed for, only now, to her horror, her skin crawled at the very thought of his touch. She cried.

He got up and went to the computer.

She lay weeping in the night as, for the first time in her entire life, steel entered her soul.

She would not live afraid.

There was a hole in the wall, but she would not live with one in her heart; not with one through which her soul would leak out little by little until it died.

It was time to go.


Tirithien said...

Steel in the soul, titanium in the spine, gold in the heart. I doubt I need say more.

Lori said...

Wow...this is very powerful.

I hope you are all right...

Nelly said...

Hi! Visiting from Clew's blog...scary post.

I noticed you live around Detroit...I'm in Macomb. We're not too far away.

Bainwen Gilrana said...

Neat, visitors! :-)

This is the story of what precipitated my divorce, actually. It's almost a year ago that this happened.

martie said...

I'm glad you got out before the violence escalated to include a physical hole in your body somewhere! You are a very brave and stong young woman.

Anonymous said...

So many strong and brave words. One must wonder if you'll ever learn to use them in a timely fashion such that they could create an outcome you desire.

I still have some doubts.

Bainwen Gilrana said...

Martie: You know, it’s a strange thing. Every one of his friends, when he told them why I left, decided that I was crazy because there’s no way he would or could ever hurt anyone. Every person I have told has said how smart I was to get out while I did. It’s nice to get such affirmation.

Anonymous: I find your sarcasm a trifle unnecessary. Just because I was able to finally assert myself in one area in my life, it does not follow that I will automatically be able to do so in all other areas of my life. This is an ongoing process of difficult lessons.

naive-no-more said...

I knew you were talking about you, but you could have been reciting my story with these words.

Hugs Sis!

Tirithien said...

You did it, my love. You should be proud- I am. :-)

Sensual Demoness said...

It's horrible, the things women will put themselves through because they are ashamed. You did right.

naneth said...

All Anonymous aside, you did the right thing. It was the only thing you could do. Not only because once it starts, it doesn't stop; but because of statistics. The word sounds cold; the lives included therein are very real. It was a powder keg. You had to go.

You did what you had to do. You were already hurting emotionally; no need to wait for the physical pain to violate your soul.

Anon. is not inside your head. Anon. has no idea what Anon. is talking about. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, my Sweetie. Apparently it is still hanging on...I hope you can let it go. It's difficult.

Aithne said...

Beautifuly written, as always. I could have said that myself, although far less eloquintely. (Hell, I can't even spell that!) It's amazing what you can do when you finally realised you've had enough, and no one will hurt you again. The strength you find comes from deep within, and is something no one can take from you.