The Day of Telemarkety Doom

Tonight I will be starting my telemarketing job. I will be logging in to a remote computer system, then the system will call my phone and connect me to the victims… I mean, potential customers. I’ll be asking them questions about their use of the yellow pages directory, then offering them a free trial subscription to their local papers.

But you know what?

I hate talking on the phone at normal times.

Now I’m about to be calling people, bugging them, interrupting their dinners or catching them just as they’re about to go into the shower…

But what can I do? I have applied to dozens of part time supplemental jobs. Dozens! And of all of them, this is the only one that’s even called me, let alone wanted to hire me. The bills just won’t go away on their own, so I need to boost up my income.

I do get to work from home, so at least I can be comfy in my flannel pajamas while people are cussing me out and hanging up on me.

Or maybe I can work naked.

Then if I get some pervy guy who thinks he’s being funny by asking what I’m wearing, I can truthfully answer, “Nothing at all.”

Nah, maybe not. After all, my calls “may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance purposes.” But it would be tempting.

So from now on, on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday evenings, I will be getting paid $0.21 per call to be the focus of aggression and frustration from irritable phone owners. And maybe give away a few newspaper subscriptions while I’m at it.

If I call your house, I apologize in advance. I especially apologize if I interrupt anything important, like dinner, hockey games, or sex. But really, if you're getting ready to have sex, just turn off the phone ringer. You'll make it easier on all of us.

Update: My evil friend Joe, knowing me to be nervous about starting this job, sent me a list of helpful things I can do to make sure that my job goes smoothly!

• Call during dinner. This is usually the first time these people have had to relax all day. As such, they will be much more amenable to hearing from you, and in fact will eagerly await your call.
• Read verbatim from the script in a flat monotone. People dislike being singled out, so anything you can do to assure them that they are just one of hundreds will be appreciated.
• Pronounce their name incorrectly. As with the above, this will help avoid the uncomfortable feeling of personal service.
• If you feel the call is not going well, hang up immediately. Their time is valuable, and you should respect that by not forcing them to give long, boring explanations of why your product is not right for them.
• If they are rude, be twice as rude. People respect strength and authority. Any attempt to be polite will be seen as weakness.

Thanks for the support, Joe.